Tag Archives: thoughts

Okay, Now I’m Pissed

I admit I have been an emotional roller coaster since losing my job, one second I laugh, the next I cry.

I’m at the coffee shop where I’ve been perched on an uncomfortable stool at a counter for the past two hours researching jobs, sending out a resume, checking in on Twitter, Facebook, and Gawker to help pass the time, when I there it was at the top of Monster.com: Communications Manager. The job I was “discharged” from. Of course the description has been tweaked, which I can’t help but take personally.

“Proven superior writing and editing skills requiring little or no peer/​manager review.” I’m sorry, but everything that goes to the public should have at least 2 pairs of eyes look at it. Maybe I should have made a bigger deal out of the typos I found in her and others printed materials…but I thought I was being the “bigger person.” I still pat myself on the back for the typos I found including the misspelling of “nonprofit” on a printed piece that was about to go to major foundations.

Hours: 8:30am-6:30 pm. Ironic since the boss only works four days a week in the office about 8 am – 3:30 pm (though she claims she works all the time offline. Sure). Let’s not forget I took a lunch hour maybe 5 times, the rest of the time I sat at my desk, nor did I have that much work to suck up 10 hours a day…oh the description also says “fast paced.” It was truly anything but. Not to mention now it’s a “temp to perm after 3 months position.” Smart, because now it outright says “I reserve the right to fire you.”

“…over-achieving traits in previous roles would be at home in this environment.” Read: snob. Do you think you’re smarter and better than those around you? Do you have an intellectual in notation in your voice? Do you feel the need to make others around you feel stupid (i.e. explain to someone with a Master’s degree in Nonprofit management the meaning of a 501C3?)?

I suppose I was hoping they would decide not to fulfill this role. That they would give serious consideration into looking into the boss’s management and (lack of) communications skills. I suppose I wanted her to get in some sort of trouble. It was a nightmare, and reading this assured me that I’m happy it’s over. I’m not happy I don’t have a job, but happy I don’t have to deal with the bull sh*t.

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Filed under Musings, Transistions

And the panic sets in

I spent yesterday morning job searching and sending out resumes. One friend sent me a job at the hospital she works at for a Content Editor position. The main jest was to write and produce stories for the website. The job sounded great and I spent a couple of hours crafting a cover letter and filling out online forms. Four hours later I received a rejection email. It’s not my first rejection, and won’t be the last, however, it was the first rejection after learning I would be ousted by my current employer at the end of June.

I then went to dinner at my dad’s house and the start of “you should look into this and that” came from my dad and stepmother (who randomly burst out with “You should be an Esthetician! You like doing nails!”). I was pretty calm throughout all of this, but I could feel the panic and self-doubt slowly creeping in. Reality has officially set in.

I have dialogues with myself: I have no transferable skills. Yes you do.  What if I don’t find a job by June? You’ll figure it out. How am I suppose to work full-time and look for a job full-time? You’ll find a way to do it.

There are many more doubts than I had a couple of days ago when I actually felt good about knowing I’d be laid off. Now I’m not so sure. I knew it was going to happen and I know I need change, but looming deadline has got me a little freaked. The lack of decent jobs, the knowing there are thousands out there with more experience, knowing while I have skills, employers may see them as skewed. Marketing, proofreading, public relations, copywriter, advertising director, supervisor of web designer and graphic designer–I’ve touched a lot of things but may not seen proficient in one area or another. I also wonder if my educational and cultural organization experience, along with my master’s degree in nonprofit management is seen as suspicious as I am also looking at for-profits, writing jobs, and other organizations that my background isn’t in.

So I just need to keep talking myself down, figure out how to write great cover letters and how to correctly sell myself, and keep on searching. I still have four months to figure it out.

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The Search for Meaning

Here is what I bought at the bookstore today:

1. Finding Your Own North Star by Martha Beck

2. I Don’t Know What I Want, But I Know It’s Not This by Julie Jansen.

3. Granata Magazine. This issues theme: Work.

4. The Atlantic Monthly. The cover issue headline: The Recession’s Long Shadow

Yes, all of the above share a common theme. A theme I am all too familiar with and find fascinating yet fear. I learned yesterday my position will be eliminated at the end of this fiscal year. I have four months to find a job and get out. I was not surprised. I knew the day was coming. I actually feel a lot more relieved than devastated. Actually, I’m not really devastated at all. I’ve been in a work and pay plateau for two years now. I’ve been slowly looking for work for months, but now I really need to step it up. The problem-my life’s problem-I don’t know what I want to do. Though I’ve become good at marketing and public relations I’m sick of being a bull shitter for a living. But right now I feel it’s the only thing I know.

I’m not always gung-ho for self-help books, but there are valid exercises in both that I’m more than willing to explore. I’ve always said I don’t want my work to be my life, and I still feel that way, but I do want to be happy for the 40 hours I spend away from home. I do want to feel some sort of meaning, and if I don’t, I want to be paid considerably more to feel nothingness.

Life is a at a crossroads, but I’m really, surprisingly, okay. I feel confident that I will figure it out. Will I have crap days? Yes, of course. But I also feel strangely empowered to make even more changes in my life. So for a while, this blog, may become more of a spring-board of ideas about my future.

Welcome to my rollercoaster.

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Music and other thoughts at 1:03 am

I wish I knew how to really articulate myself when it comes to writing about music. When I talk about music I use adjectives like: amazing, soulful, awesome, rockin’, and if I’m really feeling frisky, badass. There is a skill very few have when it comes to writing about music. For me it’s a feeling. It’s a resonantion of a time or feeling. Music can be our friend when we are mad (I crank Fiona Apple), lonely (Carol King), hopeful (Mavis Staples), hopeful for love (Ray LaMontagne), in love (Ben Harper), it can make us feel better in times of despair (Bruce Springsteen).

When natural (or horribly man-made) disasters happen I am glued to the television. Watching the sadness and fear in faces,  hearing stories of death and survival, and honestly feeling like I will never be able to really do anything to help beyond writing a check to do something because I am not as self-less as I can be. I got so obsessed with the news coverage from Katrina I had nightmares. I wouldn’t let myself do it this time with Haiti. I couldn’t stomach it because I was so wrapped in my depression I couldn’t take on more.

But I’m a music lover so I watched the Hope For Haiti Now telethon, and not only did I discover and finally see coverage of the awful, gut-wrentching situation. I was horrified. My first thought was “I want to adopt to Haitian baby.” Now I know I can’t do that at this time, but I still want to do something. I’ve considerad volunteer opportunities but I’ve been lazy and spending too much time thinking about what I want to do, and not what really needs to be done or who needs the most help.

It’s hard not to be down at the state of the world. I’m angry about so many things in America, but I also realize I’m a  very lucky women.

So, now that this post has taken a completely different turn from the beginning, I just want to vow this: this year I will volunteer and on a very different note, I want to make more iTunes playlists…and write about how the songs I’m into a certain week is also like a journal. I miss making mix tapes, and I wish I still had many of them. They are an audio diary of our lives, and that’s important to me.

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What I’m Into This Week

It ‘s been a while since I wrote these posts. I love them and one of my favorite to write. It’s a journal for me of sorts (duh!) to look back on and remind myself–well–what I was into.

Jane Eyre–It wasn’t until I was almost 30 that I began to read classics. I didn’t read many of the big ones in high school or college. Though it was slow going, I’m loving Jane. I’m loving Charlotte Bronte. I find her character fascinating: she’s part feminist; at times confident, at times insecure; sheltered and supressed and sometimes just plain odd. I’m about 300 or so pages in, but I really look forward to my book club’s discussion–that is if we have one. Mostly it’s just talk of men, sex, jobs, houses, and gossip. I also want to read some analysis of it and maybe watch a BBC or Masterpiece Classic movie version.

I also love the writing. What I love about the classics is the language. It just all sounds so much more sophisticated. The love scenes are so pure and romantic. The character descriptions so blunt (I love the pure honestly of calling Mr. Rochester “an ugly man.”) I find it fascinating that dialogue and language is itself historical and classic. I hated history in school, but as I’ve become older I’m curious about many things and desire to learn more history. This concludes the book section of what I’m into this week (how’s that for segue?).

NBC and the Great The Late Show Debate–When I couldn’t sleep as a kid I turned on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. (What I really tried to stay up for Letterman, but I’m sure he’s a post for another time.) Though most of the world is keeping abreast on the terrible situation is  in Haiti, I get enough of what is going on NBC. Here’s why: Conan is calling his bosses out for making bad decisions, and I’m jealous.

I’ve always been a Conan fan and was terribly excited he would be on an hour earlier (when I may actually be awake and able to watch it more). Conan’s letter announcing his position was brilliant, classy, and in the right. Sometimes you just don’t mess with tradition, and that tradition is The Tonight Show. Conan has been the nice guy too long, and now he’s pissed and acting out. I’m jealous because that is just what I wish I could do at work. In the five years I’ve been at my organization I’ve watched its demise. The Board and those in senior positions have made tons of mistakes and many have suffered because of it. It’s frustrating and sad and really wish I could pull a Conan because if I don’t change my attitude soon I’ll be begging to be laid off. Get my three to five month payout, go on unemployment, and be forced to figure out what exactly I do want to do next. Even if I have to bag groceries for a couple of months–I’m to the point where I really want out. But I’m also scared because unlike Conan, I won’t get 30 million and I won’t feel secure in this state of the world. It’s a debate I obviously have with myself because I really am scared of what would happen if I did lose my job. And now that I’m totally off topic, let’s move on.

Roger Ebert’s Journal–I’ve always been a fan of the Eb’s (as I pronounce it, da’-eebez). His writing is really creative and thoughtful–be sure to read the entry on food and memory.

NPR’s Monkey See Blog-A must for pop culture lovers. (I secretly wish I was Linda Holmes. What a cool job!)

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Filed under Get Lit, Media, Weekly Loves

Curse of the 4th of July

My parents married on the 4th. I met “The Voice” on the 4th. He and I broke it off on the 4th. 

We tell ourselves lies to protect ourselves. Or so we tell ourselves. Or maybe it’s just easier to believe the lies. He admitted something I always knew, in a nut shell, he can’t get over my flaws. He admitted he was shallow, he is an asshole, and he is f*&ked up, but still doesn’t make it right. Yet, he wanted, as always, to keep the door open, but it’s too late. I said as much, “I’m sorry to hear that.” I can’t do it anymore. I can’t be with someone who is embarrassed of me. I feel numb, but I’ve made myself that way today. I haven’t cried today. I haven’t talked to anyone today. I just sat on the couch and watched a marathon of the “Real Housewives of New Jersey.” I felt nothing. I was enthralled in it, yet don’t really have any strong feelings about it. Just women being women, but with money, from Jersey. I don’t want to think about the work week ahead. The secret I have to hide about him because I’m ashamed. I only had one friend who was supportive of me and him anywhere, and that’s because she’s a romantic like myself. I told her what happened before we went to another friends for tacos and margaritas. I had to act happy. I can’t deal with “I told you so’s.” I can’t deal with pity looks. I can’t deal with other people calling him an asshole. Part of me is so hurt. Part of me is just sad. Part of me feels like I just lost one of my really good friends. Part of me knows even though I should be doing something more positive right now than getting numb and drinking red wine I should go for a walk or do yoga. The other part is allowing myself one day to grieve. One day to be numb. One day to be sad. At least I know that even though I am broken right now, I will eventually, and quicker than I think, dust myself off and piece myself back together again.

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Filed under Human Behavior

Missing You, My Thoughts

I miss writing. The past 3 days I’ve started writing in the notebook I carry in purse. It has my “to-do” lists, the occasional websites I read about when I go to the bookstore to peruse magazines, and ideas for business or freelance work. I struggle between technology and taking pen to paper. Having a place, if I so desire, to tape photos, theater tickets, or the odd newspaper or magazine clipping into.

Lately I’ve just been struggling with technology–how I see oodles of folks on the train each day playing games, texting, or conducting business on handhelds. I like the train to relax and get some good reading done, usually from a book. A real book bound together with typed pages. The other day I realized when the iconic Michael Jackson died I had found out via Twitter. Thinking about it the other night was a social commentary unto itself. 

Sometimes I thoughts I’d like to share, and other times I have thoughts I’d keep to myself. None of my friends really know about the blog so I could be safe revealing what really lies in this kooky brain of mine, I don’t know, maybe I’m old fashioned at age 30. But for myself, I am going to try to write more. I am going to try to do more things creatively that make me happy whether that is writing, crafting, photography, yoga, reading at the park, or Wii tennis. What is making me happy now is that I’m spending a lovely Saturday night by myself, comfortable in air conditioning, not caring whether or not he will call, finding this recipe I’m dying to make for the next bookclub, and that I just pulled a goat cheese and spinach frozen pizza out of the oven.

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Filed under Human Behavior, Musings