Category Archives: Humor

Signs You’re Getting Older

I’m only 31 so I know I’m still young, but sometimes you have those moments when you know you are getting older. Case in points:

1. A few moments ago I was reading my latest park district catalog thinking about taking a new class (currently taking “Adult Potter” and man, do I have a lot crap to pawn off on people), when I read a description for “Woodcarving.” Cool, I always wanted to whittle. After being seduced with words like “learn techniques to make carvings in wood from a 30 year veteran” (what can I say, I’m easy with little adjectives), I was ready to sign up. Then I noticed for ages 55 & older. I went on to be seduced by “Jewelry.” “From glass to ceramics learn how to make bracelets, necklaces, brooches and more!” Then once again noticed the bold for ages 55 & older.

2. I have too many gray hairs to count. Also, speaking of vanity-I went through my teen years and 20’s without wearing makeup on a daily basis. When I turned 31 I started putting on light makeup every weekday morning. Just a little tinted moisturizer, neutral shadow, bronzer, blush, and mascara. Why did I start wearing makeup daily you ask? I got tired of being telling me I looked tired! When you tell someone they look tired, you’re telling them they look like sh*t. We all know it. I make a conscious choice not tell people they look tired because I don’t want to hurt their feelings.

3. I don’t bounce back the way I used too after a few cocktails.

4. I can’t stand teenagers.

5. Music I once loved to listen to loud, is now, a bit too loud.

6. I just don’t care about petty crap anymore.

7. I just don’t really get embarrassed anymore.

8. I use eye cream and wrinkle-fighting eye cream.

9. I’m too tired to finish this list.

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The Best Piece of Journalism of 2009 (so far)

Christian salt seller hopes to shake up market

Feb 26, 2009 4:42 PM (13 days ago) By DAVID DISHNEAU, AP 

CRESAPTOWN, Md. (Map, News) – You’ve heard of kosher salt? Now there’s a Christian variety.

Retired barber Joe Godlewski says he was inspired by television chefs who repeatedly recommended kosher salt in recipes.

“I said, ‘What the heck’s the matter with Christian salt?'” Godlewski said, sipping a beer in the living room of his home in unincorporated Cresaptown, a western Maryland mountain community.

By next week, his trademarked Blessed Christians Salt will be available at http://www.memphi.net, the Web site of Memphis, Tenn.-based seasonings manufacturer Ingredients Corporation of America. read more

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Did you hear the one about the albino dolphin?

I didn’t know I even like dolphins until today. But I think I only like the pink ones.

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Television Magic

I have been enjoying His cable United States of Tara, the History Channels History of Sex, a marijuana documentary where they splice together Hippies Goofiest Moments to show the effects or as we said in unison last night: people actually acting happy. If I had cable I’d constantly be flipping between Comedy Central, E!, Food Network, Lifetime, and the History Channel. I’ve lived with out cable for so long now-I often say PBS is my cable-but when I have a cable remote in hand I’m an addict. I’ve considered ordering it, but am cheap, so I will still live in this primitive Two and Half Men rerun world. 

I watched the Brady Bunch this morning, it was the classic Greg caught smoking episode. Like the marijuana documentary, it was hilarious in that mid-60s way as Jan kept stressing the word smoking. “…and Greg was smoking.” That was funny enough to make my morning but then this scene took place and instead of laughing I was disturbed. See for yourself:

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What I’m Loving This Week

1. Dan Savage’s Podcast. Wow. Why didn’t I discover this sooner. I must download past episodes of this. In today’s episode he tackled younger woman/older man, kitty blowjobs, a man disturbed about going down on a girl (of which he said something to sort “good thing you’re not gay, because then you’d have to eat ass”), teenage pregnancy and the adult trying to help (“but the fuck out”), and more. He is a comedic genius, and a perfect modern day “Dear Abby” for the relationship and sex defunct. Download it now.

2. Two Fat Ladies on DVD. Jennifer and Clarissa ride around the UK on a motorcycle and sidecar to come to the cooking rescue–whether it be cooking for a girl’s lacrosse team, priests at a cathedral, or a house owned by a Scottish Duke–Jennifer and Clarissa’s humor, charm, and outspokenness, make entertaining television (even if the recipes aren’t really duplicatable, not to mention super unhealthy). Jennifer steal’s the show with her thick, round, black glasses, wit, and tendency of breaking into song, she is like the cool Grandma I never had. They end almost every show sitting out behind the kitchen smoking cigarette’s and drinking a glass of wine, continuing their funny observations of the day. 

3. Animal Vegetable Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver. Okay, I’m cheating here because I finished this book almost 2 weeks ago, but I absolutely loved it. I always love going to the farmer’s market, but now I’m more cognizant about where and how far my beloved fruits and vegetables have to travel to get to grocery stores. So until Winter (or until I join a CSA) every Saturday, I get up and go a week’s worth of fresh goodies. I admire how her and her family took time to build a garden, raise chickens, and have cooking adventures. The books makes you want to eat better, move to the middle of nowhere and grow your own food, and spend entire days in the kitchen with your family making jams, sauces, and chutneys. It is a literary treat.

*I’m going to attempt to make this a weekly “column” if only to keep track for myself what I enjoyed and why. A diary of sorts…kind of like my whole point to having a blog.

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Filed under Get Lit, Humor, Weekly Loves