I don’t usually remember my dreams, but the last two nights the emotions of them have woke me up and stuck with me. The night before last I had a beautifully lucid dream (at the time). I was with my brother and sister at my mom’s house. It was a treasure hunt of things I loved as a child. Everywhere I looked I found a piece of my childhood: a messy staple of papers filled with my little drawings and stories, a toy or book I loved, a photograph, an eye roll at mom. I remember laughing with my siblings with sentences filled with “remember when…” I woke up missing my siblings. I woke up wanting to remember the exact items I found, knowing they were a piece of puzzle to solve my biggest question of late: What do I want to do with my life?
Last night, or really just moments ago, I woke up from an anxiety dream. I don’t remember any details, just the feelings of running around, never getting enough done, my chest still feels tight. My body, my subconscious, my entire being has taken fistfuls of jabs the last couple of weeks. At first I was strong because I felt I had to be for everyone else. Then I got depressed. Then sick. Now I’m angry, scared and not sleeping well. Part of me feels I have the right to grieve, and other part of me feels like I need to get out of bed, get out of my anxious head, and just go full stream ahead. I’ll snap back and feel more like myself soon, I hope. In the meantime, I hope my dreams provide me a little more direction.
Here is how I explained it to a friend: It’s this state park about 2 hours outside of Chicago. There are all sorts of nature hikes–well more like nature walks–and a lodge that you can stay in–it’s rustic and campy. It’s cute. Why is it called Starved Rock you ask? Well, there is this large rock [see photo] and the Native Americans went up there and starved themselves to fight the man or something. Well I don’t know that’s the real story but it sounds good.Mom loves it. She goes almost every year. Brother has gone with her. Aunt has gone. Nephew has gone. Her friends have gone. It was my turn to take one for the team.Truth is it was fun.We got to the lodge early Friday afternoon, read in front of the fireplace in the great room. Went swimming and in the hot tub. Saturday morning I woke up early and decided to go on a hike by myself to the top of Starved Rock and to see some of the canyons. It was actually really therapeutic to go walking in the woods solo. It’s something I need to do more often. We played scrabble and explored the nearby small towns. It was great to get out of the city. It was great that I could do something so small that made my mom so happy.
Loving someone and wanting the best for them vs. loving someone and wanting the best for me.Sister is trying to bribe me with a free trip to Mexico to visit the Nephew’s deadbeat dad who hasn’t seen him, or hardly tried to contact him for the last 8 years. Not to mention Sister has never seen a dime from this man, but has sent him thousand’s of dollars in “loans” over the years. Brother wants to start his own business and wants $50,000 start up cash. Dad, who drove his own business go down the tubes wants to support brother by cashing in his IRA’s, and/or selling joint stock that he, Brother and I all share, ironically, and unfortunately under my social security number.I want to be supportive of all three, but can’t.I told Sister that in 2 years Nephew will be 18, and if he wants to visit his dad then he can, but I will not go because I cannot support it.I told Dad not to dip into his IRA’s and we’ll research on how to sell Brother’s share of stock with out it completely fucking me over when tax time rolls around.I told Brother he needed to do more research on how to open a small business, figure out the additonal expenses, and to think about signing a contract with possible business partner. I want every member of my family to live long and prosper-it’s difficult to draw the line when someone is seeking my support. It makes me anxious and wonder if I maybe I am I’m being overly judgmental. I wonder if they understand my openness, frankness, as an expression of caring and concern. I wonder if I am drawing the line too soon.