I hoped he didn’t see me walking across the street from one grocery store to the next. I saw him sitting in his car and then making a phone call. I pretended to be looking for traffic down the wrong way of the street so he wouldn’t notice me noticing him. Walking down the main isle I saw him again, we didn’t make eye contact so I thought I was safe to quickly turn down an isle.
I knew it was only going be so long until we ran into each other. I mean he does live across the hall. It’s funny what you do to avoid situations. I did my laundry today because we always tend to do the washing late Sunday afternoons. He gets home from work earlier than me, so I’m safe there. Plus, I’ve been out almost every night this week, trying to keep busy and again avoiding being alone, avoiding dealing with the situation.
I came home and got a message on my cell phone. He saw me. He saw me cross the street, he saw me duck down the isle. He wanted to give me ride home (it’s only 3 blocks). No mention of last week. I know he’ll call again tonight because he can’t stand my not calling him back, but I’ve learned not to say a thing if it takes him 4 days. Lucky I have the girls coming over for wine and nachos.
I’m feeling angry. Angry for what he said to me. Angry that he knows he owes me another apolology. Angry because he blew it. 80% of me is ready for this to be the last time. “You can’t have your cake and eat it too.” And you can’t slap me on the ass anymore like it’s your property and your only move when we’re close to the door at the end of evening and “haven’t got it on” yet. I want to still be in avoidance mode. I’ve been doing good on this mode. I’m angry you’re rising me out of this role. I’ll be angry at myself if I let you back in. I just wish you won’t try.