I hoped he didn’t see me walking across the street from one grocery store to the next. I saw him sitting in his car and then making a phone call. I pretended to be looking for traffic down the wrong way of the street so he wouldn’t notice me noticing him. Walking down the main isle I saw him again, we didn’t make eye contact so I thought I was safe to quickly turn down an isle.
I knew it was only going be so long until we ran into each other. I mean he does live across the hall. It’s funny what you do to avoid situations. I did my laundry today because we always tend to do the washing late Sunday afternoons. He gets home from work earlier than me, so I’m safe there. Plus, I’ve been out almost every night this week, trying to keep busy and again avoiding being alone, avoiding dealing with the situation.
I came home and got a message on my cell phone. He saw me. He saw me cross the street, he saw me duck down the isle. He wanted to give me ride home (it’s only 3 blocks). No mention of last week. I know he’ll call again tonight because he can’t stand my not calling him back, but I’ve learned not to say a thing if it takes him 4 days. Lucky I have the girls coming over for wine and nachos.
I’m feeling angry. Angry for what he said to me. Angry that he knows he owes me another apolology. Angry because he blew it. 80% of me is ready for this to be the last time. “You can’t have your cake and eat it too.” And you can’t slap me on the ass anymore like it’s your property and your only move when we’re close to the door at the end of evening and “haven’t got it on” yet. I want to still be in avoidance mode. I’ve been doing good on this mode. I’m angry you’re rising me out of this role. I’ll be angry at myself if I let you back in. I just wish you won’t try.
My parents married on the 4th. I met “The Voice” on the 4th. He and I broke it off on the 4th.
We tell ourselves lies to protect ourselves. Or so we tell ourselves. Or maybe it’s just easier to believe the lies. He admitted something I always knew, in a nut shell, he can’t get over my flaws. He admitted he was shallow, he is an asshole, and he is f*&ked up, but still doesn’t make it right. Yet, he wanted, as always, to keep the door open, but it’s too late. I said as much, “I’m sorry to hear that.” I can’t do it anymore. I can’t be with someone who is embarrassed of me. I feel numb, but I’ve made myself that way today. I haven’t cried today. I haven’t talked to anyone today. I just sat on the couch and watched a marathon of the “Real Housewives of New Jersey.” I felt nothing. I was enthralled in it, yet don’t really have any strong feelings about it. Just women being women, but with money, from Jersey. I don’t want to think about the work week ahead. The secret I have to hide about him because I’m ashamed. I only had one friend who was supportive of me and him anywhere, and that’s because she’s a romantic like myself. I told her what happened before we went to another friends for tacos and margaritas. I had to act happy. I can’t deal with “I told you so’s.” I can’t deal with pity looks. I can’t deal with other people calling him an asshole. Part of me is so hurt. Part of me is just sad. Part of me feels like I just lost one of my really good friends. Part of me knows even though I should be doing something more positive right now than getting numb and drinking red wine I should go for a walk or do yoga. The other part is allowing myself one day to grieve. One day to be numb. One day to be sad. At least I know that even though I am broken right now, I will eventually, and quicker than I think, dust myself off and piece myself back together again.