Monthly Archives: February 2008

Drawing the Line

Loving someone and wanting the best for them vs. loving someone and wanting the best for me.Sister is trying to bribe me with a free trip to Mexico to visit the Nephew’s deadbeat dad who hasn’t seen him, or hardly tried to contact him for the last 8 years. Not to mention Sister has never seen a dime from this man, but has sent him thousand’s of dollars in “loans” over the years. Brother wants to start his own business and wants $50,000 start up cash. Dad, who drove his own business go down the tubes wants to support brother by cashing in his IRA’s, and/or selling joint stock that he, Brother and I all share,  ironically, and unfortunately under my social security number.I want to be supportive of all three, but can’t.I told Sister that in 2 years Nephew will be 18, and if he wants to visit his dad then he can, but I will not go because I cannot support it.I told Dad not to dip into his IRA’s and we’ll research on how to sell Brother’s share of stock with out it completely fucking me over when tax time rolls around.I told Brother he needed to do more research on how to open a small business, figure out the additonal expenses, and to think about signing a contract with possible business partner.  I want every member of my family to live long and prosper-it’s difficult to draw the line when someone is seeking my support. It makes me anxious and wonder if I maybe I am I’m being overly judgmental.  I wonder if they understand my openness, frankness, as an expression of caring and concern.  I wonder if I am drawing the line too soon.   

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The Underdog Returns

In June 2005, on another blog hosting site, I began a blog by the same title. A year later I stopped writing on it. I miss it. So the underdogs returns, because she’s not done blogging yet. A hiatus was necessary, but now the Underdog returns because she’s not done yet. I have many more stories to tell, and let’s face it, Underdogs stories are much more interesting, if only because they have a sense of hope requiring a little more cheering for the protaganist.

 

Think of Charlie Brown. He may be known as the sad sack character, but he is much more. He always wanted to kick the football and get the girl. My heart melts a little bit and I have that tucked-in-lip-half frown-half-smile thing going on when I think of how much he was determined to win at something. He encompasses the human qualities we all feel or want: frustration, humiliation, love, acceptance, determination, and the opportunity to triumph at something. He always remained hopeful which in my mind makes him full of integrity. He is an Underdog, which makes him a hero of sorts.  

 

Here is what I wrote in first post in 2005:

 

“The Underdog Triumphs,” the title of my 9th grade English class writing portfolio. I cut the phrase out of a magazine and pasted it on the flap of the brown accordion folder. By the end of the year it was filled with various pieces of writings from why everyone in my school were posers, to a page filled with song lyrics and my analysis of them. 

 

The 15 year-old life consisted of a forced dress code of long skirts, morning prayer, secular and religious studies. It was a Jewish high school during the peak of grunge, O.J. Simpson and Beverly Hills, 90210. So naive and lost trying to put the pieces of adolescence together.

 

I moved from a small town to a big city; a land of no Jews to many Jews. From a town where I once recognized white faces on streets filled with green grasses, to crowded one-way streets lined with apartment buildings, and a rainbow of colors flooding down Devon Avenue. I was lost.

 

I was an underdog.

 

Still am.

 

For I believe we all have some underdog in us.

 

And we should.

 

Otherwise we wouldn’t appreciate those moments when we did triumph.

 

And we wouldn’t know how fucking unbelievably good it feels.  

 

It’s funny to look back and read that because I was really lost when I wrote it. In the three years since I feel more confident, secure, and self-assured. A part of me will always feel like an Underdog. I think I like to feel humble. I think I like to be aware of growth. I think I like exploring sides of myself with out taking myself too seriously. But you know what I really want to admit? I think I always just really liked the words “The Underdog Triumphs.” I think I like what it stands for, with out maybe even fully realizing what it means or how to get there. But that’s maybe just an irony of life’s journey.

 

If you’re curious about the past you can visit the old blog here

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